JOURNAL


第一に一番に承認してください。 これはそうであるかあるいは私の考えのいくつかと共に語のこの収集でのここの私の生命〔生活〕の役割〔部品〕を持っています。 を除いて　私の考えのいくつかがDARKと狂暴なANDであると警告される　読むために5月が何らかのWHO挑戦にDISTRUBING している！ これらの語がそうするので、私の生命〔生活〕を説明しないでください。 当初、それは分かりにくいかもしれません、しかし、もし慎重にそれを読めばあなたは理解します。 しかしここのことの全てが1つの部分で何も与えられるわけではありません。 ここにあるがそれの全てが混乱して、絡み合わせられています。 (もしあなたが驚いていれば、Shikabane Himeと呼ばれる、瞬間にアニメを見ます。

Okay first thing first. This is or has parts of my life in here as well as some of my thoughts in this collection of words. BUT BE WARNED SOME OF MY THOUGHTS ARE DARK AND VIOLENT AND MAY BE DISTRUBING TO SOME WHO DARE TO READ! These words do, and do not explain my life. It may be confusing at first but if you read it carefully you’ll understand. But nothing in here will all be given in one piece. It will all be here but mixed up, intertwined. (Watching an anime at the moment it’s called Shikabane Hime, if you were wondering).


Ever since my graduation from high school, I’ve had nothing but bad luck. Everything that I’ve owned are gone, I hate being broke. I hate not even able to work. I hate doing nothing. Yes I know life is cruel, but I have too kept going even though it’s tough out there on your own. And for that I’m grateful to experience that on my own. That is a good way to learn all the stuff that I needed to learn from the parents. Half of the stuff that I learned were from the friends that I got to meet when I traveled too San Marcos, and all the other things I used to do when I was younger. Man those were the days. I remember when I found this dead dolphin. There was a rope around its neck. Oh man the time when I went to enchanted rock. That was fucking awesome. The scenery was incredible. There were caves in certain areas of the park. Oh and the beach cleanups those were fun days as well cause I got to hang out with my friends and also do something good for the environment. The camping trips were the best. Its bad when you can’t even remember the names of your friends, well some of them. Oh let tell the time when I went Big Bend National park. I guess you could say it was about the same time that I started smoking full time. But not just herb but cancer sticks as well. In the end I quit smoking cancer sticks. That was for the best. Putting that aside let’s talk about Big Bend National park. It was there were I hooked up with my first girlfriend. I still remember her name. Her name was Tasha. She was a white girl. I think I was a junior or a sophomore. Big bend was a awesome place to go if you’re looking for a good spot for camping. To tell the truth I think I had a good time growing up. All the things that happened to me during the time I was growing up were a good experience, for the expectations of some things like the cocaine. When I was growing up yeah I could say that I wish I wasn’t there, but I was and I had to deal with problems. Now that I think about it its kind of funny if you really look at it carefully. Yes you could say I was the bad child I kept on getting in trouble because they kept blaming me for things that I didn’t even do, but those fuckers don’t listen to us. Yes us as in me. Oh yeah and the time that my grandmother died I couldn’t even go to her funeral cause we were already going with them to México. I want to say this I had more fun when I away from them. By the time I entered high school I had more free time to do the things I wanted. Like for instance I got to go camping a lot more, I got to hang out with friends more, which meant more smoking, haahahahahaha. When I was growing up I don’t think I had a conscious, cause I would go up to them and punch them if they started talking shit. I punched this kid in the nose for my mom a bitch. That little fucker deserved every bit of that punch. I got suspended for three days. Guess what I did the days I didn’t go to school. I would either go with Margie to work or go with may dad to work. I went with my dad most of the time. I only went with her when I would go to the doctor or if she needed my help. Wanted help at work, so she would take me to help with the work she had at her job. So I got to know about office work as well as construction. I got my first job when I was 14yrs old. Well my first job away from my dad’s job. My second job was the Austin American Statesman. I meet a lot of cool friends. Some of them were sexy females. Yeah I still remember you LeAnn Camacho. I even remember the first teacher I had a crush on. (YOU SURE YOU WANT TO KEEP GOING WITH MY PAST, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING) She was my third grade teacher. By the time I was a fifth grade I wanted to have sex with her. She knew I like her that way too. I found out about it when I was in my camera club she was wearing a skirt and a blouse. And her legs were open and she was sitting in front of me and looking at me at the same time. She wanted me to make a move but I was too much of a chicken shit to even do that. And the crazy thing is all the teachers that I had a crush on have been white women. I must like white women more. But do not get the wrong idea I have had Mexican girls, and one Cuban girl. Let me take you to the past for the moment. I remember when my grandmother died and I couldn’t go to her funeral. When I first heard that she had died I dropped everything that I was holding. I knew I wasn’t going to see her anymore. After that I didn’t want to talk to anybody. Yeah I know my thoughts and memories are mixed together. Now that I think about it I have always been like this. I’ve been hit in the head about let’s see three or four times. Damn I miss you LeAnn you were a good person to talk too. I want too live where there are still woods like in the movie Twilight. In Forks, Washington. But I will have to buy a house first if I plan on moving up there. And I also want to buy a house in Japan. Hopefully one day I’ll reach that goal. But first things first I need to start the things that I was going to start with. Today of March 23 of 2009. I will be quitting weed soon. I will also stop drinking Dr Pepper’s as well. Hopefully I can start to get my life back on track. You know since I started to get to know my little brother and younger sister. I thought I wasn’t going to get know them at all, but lucky for the both want to get to know me more. That’s good to know that your younger siblings want to know you. My time here hasn’t been in vain. I too got to know my siblings, maybe not as much as I want to know them. But hey I’ll know more bout them when we get that apartment soon. Well they should know that I love to watch anime. Let see, OH that reminds me I talking about the big bend trip. Like I said before that’s where I first meet my first girlfriend. And I also said this before as well that her name was Tasha. At first I didn’t know her if it weren’t for my other friend who had a crush on her. The reason I know that is because he told me about it, and that he wanted to ask her but was too much of a coward. So I told him if I could talk to her for him in his stead. He said okay. So me ask her for him, I had no problem doing that for a friend, but if it was for me I would have never have asked her. Well maybe not never. I would’ve asked but in a scared way. You know when you like someone, and you want to ask them but you’re sort of scared to ask them cause just in case that she ends up saying no. That’s what he was scared of. So I ask her if she liked him just like he liked her, and only to find out that she had no feelings for him like that. She only wanted to be friends with him. Then that’s when things started to get weird, Tasha and I started to get closer. Along that trip we did a lot of cool things. At night we would play card games, and tell horror stories, we also we on night walks. So let me clear things up out where there are no people, there are coyote’s, snakes, and stuff like that. When we took our first night walk we guys (note that there were four of us on these night walks) would try to scare the girls that were with me and my friend Charlie. Tasha was walking next to me cause like I said before she had no feelings for my friend Charlie. So anyways we would try to scare them by saying that Jason was in the woods trying to kill us. The reason we both did that because we would see shadows move and we also heard noses out there. So then Tasha gets scared and holds on to me like we were going out and stuff. That’s when our bond started to grow, and Charlie started to get jealous. Then after I found out everything that I needed to find out, I went Charlie and told him that she had no feelings for him, and she only wanted to be friends. So he knew the outcome, but still was jealous of me because I got closer to her than he ever did. So later on during the trip that’s when I decided to ask her out myself. When I asked her if she wanted to be my girl (I was not expecting this answer) she said yes. She said I was more her type than Charlie was. Besides he had a block head, or so that’s what she said. So she said yes, and that’s how my first relationship started. Now on to the next subject, that brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about, when I started too doing volunteer work. (I WARNED YOU NOW YOU HAVE TO KEEP ON GOING YOU)
That was fun to do, just thinking about it makes me want to go back to the past, and do all the stuff that I wanted to do over again. Even with the all the volunteer work that I did, I still managed to find out that girls would volunteered as well. Man the girls were hot as in sexy hot, but they don’t even compare to the older women that I’ve meet. Like there was this one hot Hispanic woman damn I forgot her name. I guess as the years pass I start to lose my memories of the past. I’m surprised that I even remember all this stuff that I’m typing. (Listening to music right from Angela- Beautiful fighter) (This song is from the anime Shikabane Hime Kuro). Yeah that’s right listen to music from the animes that I like to watch. But I do remember her though, she was two or three inches shorter than I was. She had her hair that reached the bottom of her neck. She the same skin color as I did, light brown eyes, cute little nose or should I say her nose went with the face that she had. She had a nice body, nice beautiful curves, sexy hips, nice breasts, and a good personality that went with beauty. I just don’t know her name anymore. She was a good friend. Actually they were all my friends, but just because they were my friends don’t mean we never had our fights. We did benefit plates/w carwashes, and have meetings on what we were going to do the next time we did any major activities. The only reason why we did any of those things was to get out of the fucking house. That was basically it and for other reasons as well, but I did it so I can get out of the house. But you wanna know something it was fun doing all of those things. (Thinking of what to type) I think her name was Christina, or was that one of the other girls. I think it was both of their names. There was Darlene, Juan, Alfredo, damn I done forgot there names, well some of there names. Oh let tell you about the time I went to San Marcos. That was the craziest time that I had. That was when I did I of my playing. Now that I think about it that was when I was the meanest. I didn’t really care then, but now I think I’ve clamed down just a bit, maybe. Well maybe I should’ve been a little nicer to some of the people there. (Thinking of the past- mind went blank for an instant) I’m fucking miserable in this place, I can’t act the way I want in this desolate place. I guess that when I found that I wanted to cook, but it isn’t what I really wanted to do. I wanted to do was photography; I could’ve been better at if I have never went to Michigan. I was doing well in the class, but I went on that trip. Oh yeah I was talking about the time I went to Gary Job Corps place. Oh man the girls there were hot, I remember this one brunette girl, and I thought she had a perty face. When I was there, there was this white girl that became my best friend (or so she said). Her name was Robin P. but she would rather have you call her by Autumn. We started talking at first, but then I started to get to close to her just like I always do I start to like someone or want to be close friends. But she had a boyfriend, why would she tell me all her dark secrets to me all of a sudden. Why do people tell me their dark pasts? Maybe they can tell when someone else experienced bad things as well, who knows and it doesn’t really matter to me anymore. Because I all ready given up on some of those dark thoughts that I used to have. Oh let me tell about the time when I started seeing the evil faces, okay the day started just like your everyday things that everyone does. Now here’s the thing that I feared to see when I saw the first face pop out of my clothes. Okay now I just come back from work and I wanted to relax and watch TV for a little while so I got bored, and went out to find some herb, and some a 16 of coke. Found some, but I was still missing something- it was the music that I was lacking. Okay I put some good music to get into the mood of doing some drugs. I roll a fat blunt, and some joints, and I also open the 16 of cocaine. I take some out break it up make into powder make up some lines so I can have them ready to do later. Oh and by the way if your reading this yes I did a lot of cocaine. I’m not proud of it. Okay back to the story, so I roll up the blunt(s) and joints. Now I light one up and I start to smoke it. (Couple of hours pass I’ve already done a couple of lines) Now at this point of time I’ve already smoked three blunts done several lines of coke, and now then that’s when I started to see them, okay now cocaine does not make you hallucinate. Right when I saw them I thought I was just seeing things, but that was not the case here. Every time I would move the faces would follow me. Now is that fucking creepy or what, but that’s not all yes I was shocked that I was seeing these things. The first thing that popped into my head is that these things are demons or a sign to quit now while I was ahead. So I waited for some time to pass to see weather these evil faces would go away, but they didn’t (soooooooooo here we go) now I don’t want to sound if I was scared of these things, cause I was I’m not going to lie I was fucking scared shitless. I ran out the fucking door and to find out that they were also outside as well. FUCK!!!!!!! That made me even more fucking scared. Now what to fucking do about this problem, so I decided to go to Bobby’s room and chill there for awhile so things can clam down? And they were in there as well FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY I’M FUCKING SCARED NOW I START TO FUCKING PANIC. That’s when Margie comes out like she normally does to go to my dad’s side of the house, and she see’s me running outside and asks me what I was doing. (So now I need to come up with something so I can get rid of her) nothing I just felt like walking outside (I started playing with the dogs) to get some fresh air, what I am doing something bad or what. Now I’m in my room, but their still there. At this (SMOKE) point I said fuck it I got to confront this up front. So at this point I’m telling myself that it’s time to quit, so a couple weeks later I haven’t done any coke or herb. I go and visit mom and Amy came by with Johnny, and asked if I knew where to get any cocaine. I said yeah. Then that’s when they asked if I wanted to do a line of coke, okay I’ll do one small line of coke. So I do it and guess what comes back to haunt me, those fucking faces. Shit (now I know I wasn’t hallucinating when I saw those faces the last time. I knew it was some kind of warning. So I quit coke for good, but something started to happen to me. I started to have pains in my chest (now I’m wondering what the fuck was going on here) I started to feel numbness in my left arm actually my left side of my (SMOKE) body was getting numb. I started to breathe faster, my heart starts beating fast as well and it would also skip beats (ah shit now what the fuck is going on), and my tongue went super numb on me I couldn’t even talk. Even though I was at the hospital trying to talk to the nurse, but could muster the words I wanted to say. Oh yeah it was raining the whole time that we were at the ranch some where in Texas. That was a beautiful day. The rain feels nice when it starts, and then even better when it starts to rain harder. Oh damn I remember those glasses too, I hated those glasses they were too fucking huge. But that part of my life is over now, but it was a good day, because I got to help out the planet. That was a good beach cleanup. Man I had some goofy as hair cuts when I was younger, that’s thanks to the one person who does not know how to cut hair Margie was her name my stepmother. But thanks to that I got to meet some amazing people, and got to do some amazing things with the time I used up. Damn I miss the camp fires, waking up to the camp fire in the mornings/w some good friends, and saying good morning. Oh and a morning swim at the river that was next to us. Messing around with your friends (ARE YOU SMOKING YET?) doing a little flirting with the girls, but not too much or our boss might get mad at us. Let me tell you the first girl I actually wanted to be with or should I say for the rest of my life, but was so much of a chicken shit that I didn’t have what it took to even ask her out, and tell her that from the moment that I first laid eyes on her there was this ticklish feeling in my gut. That I had found my one and only someone, but I never told her to her face. I think she knew that I liked her, because one time when we were in - I think we were freshmen year or was that sophomore year I forget but who gives a shit right as long as those feelings were there. (ARE YOU SMOKING!!!!?) But it doesn’t matter anymore because I am now 25 yrs old. And she lives somewhere far away from me. So that’s that, now hopefully the girl I’m with now will be more promising than the others. It’s just like mike said “I only trust you as far as I can throw you”. And that’s not that far. WOW WHAT A PROMOSING STORY THIS TURNED OUT TO BE. FUCK I HATE GROWING OLD. But it can’t be helped right, we all die sooner or later. (MY BODY HURTS BUT MAINLY MY LEGS, BECAUSE I’M SITTING ON THEM) okay let’s talk about something that’s a little DARKER. There was this time when I had suicidal thoughts, I really don’t like to talk about this that much. It’s not it’s a touchy subject. You know I started to think about death at a young age. I think I was four or five years old, and have no idea how that thought got in my head.